The Traffic Police

The most feared men on the road are not the road bullies, it's the men with the dark glasses, high leather boots, a tiny notebook with a pen and permanent PMS ... The Traffic Police. To be a good traffic policeman (TP), you have to be obsessed with chasing and enjoy hearing people plead from you. And these group of people probably enjoyed the ''police and thief'' game as kids and they forgot to get out of the game when they were growing up.

I think the ability not to smile is their biggest paper qualification. They look so serious all the time and that's all they do besides chasing people down the road. I have never seen a traffic police smile, except the ones on the advertisement posters, but then those are usually professional models. It's hard to find a grinning traffic policeman ... and it wouldn't look right anyway. It's a little frightening to see them smile and issue a summon at the same time ... he will look more like a psycho serial killer instead. The only time you are going to see a traffic policeman smiling is when you hire a striptease showing up in a police uniform. That would be the closest, and that may be the only time you can shove a ten dollar note into a policeman's underwear!

I call the traffic police the Principal of the road. In many ways they are quite similar to those in schools. You cannot speed in front of them, you cannot talk on your mobile or SMS when you see them. You can SMS in your pocket, but don't let their eagle eyes catch you or they will issue you a ticket. Like a magician, they have this unique talent of appearing out of nowhere, and every part of your vision is a blindspot for them. You are driving happily and suddenly they appear beside your side mirror and give you that look. At this point you either turn green or swallow the lump in your throat.

Actually the traffic police are as good as signboards that say Slow Down NOW!, except that in this case, its a 'live' signboard. In a way, they are a piece of safety device for the roads. 'Cos it seems to me that everytime we see the TP on the expressway, we would instantaneously and diligently step on the brakes and slow down. He doesn't even have to do anything, just park his motorbike on the road shoulder and stare blankly at the cars passing by him. And with his super dark sunglasses, nobody knows if he is actually taking a nap or watching the traffic. I am so conditioned by this slowing down when you see the TP thing that every now and then when I jog passed the police station, I too would slow down and walk instead of run. See how the TP changed the movements of our lives?

I was caught twice for speeding by the TP in my entire driving life. Of course on both occasions I was innocent, the car was the one at fault. When he signalled me to stop, I could feel the trembling of my legs and jaws. The first thing that comes to your head is, what am I going to say to him to get him to let me off? Should I greet him first or should I volunteer my driver's licence without question? Maybe if I look pathetic and like a loser, he will let me off because I hear that these people hate arrogance. But I must be polite, thats what the internet says ...

" Good morning Sir! how are you? Wa, today's uniform very shining ah, very smart hor? ... "

" driver's licence please. "

" Sir, pang chant leh .... "

" You were speeding at 120km/h, I have to give you the ticket. "

" But Sir, stomach ache la, then urgent I boh pian right? "

" It's dangerous to speed. "

" But Sir, I have to find the toilet la, I promise next time I don't speed la sir, please la sir ..... "

He doesn't say a word, takes out the book and jots down your particulars. You know you don't have a fighting chance and so you look at him with that moody eyes. Thats when you really look pathetic and all you could think of is all the vulgarities and evil in the world that you can rain on that guy! But he has the gun with him, so there's not much you can do. You unwillingly accept the loss and you mutter to yourself " I hope your wife gives birth to a three legged son and without an ass! "