Breaking Wind Part 2

Quote: " Studies have shown that the actions related to flatulence - contractions of the colon, together with a rise in pressure in the rectum and early relaxation of the anal sphincter - are similar to those observed after swallowing, believe it or not! " (The Straits Times, 29 May 04)

Studies? You actually have studies for this fart thing? I think that's where the word 'analyse' came from. To 'anal- lyse'.
This is one clear sign that we have run out of things to research on. We have people sailing for years to discover continents and Nobel prize winners making nuclear bombs and some other Einsteins making good progress on cloning. Then you have these scientists doing studies on farts. How anti-climax can that be? These people are using taxpayers money to study gas coming out of people's rear end!

How are these studies done anyway? Gather a group of people then force feed a gallon of Cokes and wait? And how do they collect the samples? Test tubes or plastic bags? Do they canned it, bottle it or boxed it up then deep freeze it to minus 50 degrees? And how do they know the sound produced is due to the vibration of the anal opening? This is not opera singing you know. You can see the throat vibration of a singer, but for this particular number, you have to be really courageous to even face it.

The part about vegetarians making quieter farts is really astounding. To locate one vegetarian among the crowd is already quite a challenging task, and I have to salute the guy who is able to gather a GROUP of vegetarians to agree on the experiment, that I find it really mind blowing.

The thing about farting as we all know, don't usually come as planned. They are worst than hotel guests cos for the hotel guests, at least we have the approximate time of arrival and the check-out time. But not for these little devils, they usually showed up un-announced and they don't even bother to use the wake up calls.

So for the vegetarians participating in the fart research, its a uphill task. You don't know if you have it or not. You cannot wait in the room together with the rest of the vegetarians cos if the King of farts arrives together and simultaneously, the TORNADO will wipe everybody out.

But its also risky to sit and wait at home because you are not sure when it is due. You are having your shower and then halfway through ..
" Honey, I think I feel the contraction "

" Are you sure? uh-oh, think we better call for the ambulance, let me grab your overnight bag!!! "

" I think its too late !!! "

" ok dear, then breathe!!! One inhale, three exhale, one inhale, three exhale .. "

PoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT .....

" Honey, I think we got ourselves a D-minor. "