Tennis

Just watched a game of tennis on cable. If not for my new X-Box game 'Top Spin', I would have kept my personal record of not watching a single match on tv. Thought I could at least pick up some tips from real life female players after losing 5 straight games to the blockish looking computer generated Pete Sampras. And he's forever having that smug look on his face, like I wouldn't know he was the former world champion. Big deal, wait till I install John McEnroe and throw the racket at you then you know!

I have never played real tennis before so I don't really know the rules. Goliath's ping pong, thats what I think it is, except that they play with the balls which we use for Rounders, and the racket is a upsize fly swatter.

I realise the most hardworking people on the game are the ballpickers. If you think about it, the players are just sliding and gliding around their little garden and swinging their arms. But not these ballpickers, they are forever on their mark, with their eagle eyes, ready to make that dash at the sight of a loose ball. They look like they are in a two hour 50 metres race actually, feeling intense with all that anxiety and uncertainty, all for a lousy USD$2.50 per hour.

The most lazy person would be the guy sitting at the side of the net. I don't know his official title, maybe a Netwatcher or
Mr Nets, but I do know he is not the umpire, cos the umpire has this tall life-guard chair which he uses to look out for cute gals among the spectators. On the contrary, this man sits on a small little three legged stool and his career revolves around watching for any ball contact with the net when the player serves. Thats all. He could even take a nap when the players are swinging their fly swatters cos it doesn't concern him anymore. You can be injured and rolling on the floor in pain and this guy would still be watching the net. It would be hard to find another sweet gig like this.

I cannot figure out why the player always looks at his racket whenever he loses a set. Like he is examining his strings and talking to himself, wondering why he actually used the racket which he redeemed with the coupons from the supermarket. And the moans they make when they attempt a major swing .. if a blind person is near the tv set, he'll be thinking the porn channel is on, except that they are doing it on a bed in the middle of a stadium and in front of ten thousand people.

There's always someone yelling quite clearly at the players from the spectators stand. This is pathetic because he's not allowed to yell back, I mean afterall he is on national tv. The best time for the spouse to get back for a post-quarrel session would be during the game. "THINK YOU ARE ONLY ONE WHO WORKS HARD??? WHY NOT YOU TRY AND STAY HOME TO LOOK AFTER THE 12 KIDS AND I LOOK FOR A FULL TIME JOB INSTEAD!!!" And the poor guy would be just standing there half bended, swaying his giant fly swatter and biting his teeth, waiting for his next ball.

There is something wrong with the way they keep score, and nobody noticed that for the last hundred years. The inventor of this game obviously couldn't count. For tennis, every point you win is 15 points and after 30 points is 40! Try explaining this Einstein way of counting to a kid! Why can't they do the normal way of counting? Is it that mentally challenging to count from 1 to 5? My little nephew is convinced that I reprogram the X-Box to accumulate that many points after a few swings while he is stuck at zero for eternity.