The Chinese Swordsman

If I ever have a career option, I may consider being a Chinese Swordsman. After watching "The One Arm Swordsman", I am convinced their fringe benefits and prospects outweigh what I have been getting for the last few years.

To me, being a swordsman is like living in a fantasy world. First of all, you don't have to work! All you do is just walk around and stroll around with that mighty sword. And you get to keep your hair long. Your life mission is to search for that secret manual (an excuse not to work), which unfortunately is usually in limited edition (most of the time only one copy and no reprints).

One of the incentives of being a Chinese Swordsman is you don't die so easily ... very much like cartoons. You can fight alone with an army of soldiers and end up with only a few cuts that don't require stitches. But even if you are unlucky and suffer a few thousand slashes all over your body, you will usually get well the next day. You can have an arrow pierced through your chest and almost reaching the other end, yet you could still walk for a few days with the arrow stuck in the body. You will then collapse in front of your lover, who will then conveniently pull it out without spilling a drop of blood. Most certainly, you will also not suffer any infection from the rusty arrow head, and what you need is just a wet silk towel over your forehead.

However, one of the major qualification as a Chinese swordsman is you have to be ambidextrous. At any one time, should you lose one of your arms, you have to be able to quickly hold up your sword and fight with the other. It is not easy considering most of these swords are made of iron and not stainless high oxygenated carbon steel. But the problematic part is, you have to search all over again for the other sword fighting secret manual for left handers and re-learn everything.

If you are a so-so swordman, you usually try and protect the women and children in the village, and fend off the amateur street thugs. Sometimes you do part-time gigs for hawkers selling home made medicine by the roadside ... just wield your sword from right to left , make a few stance and hop around, then tell the audience you took 7x7 = 49 days to master it. But the best part is most of the audience wont even know the sword fighting has nothing to do with the medicine you are promoting.

If you are a black belt swordsman, you can apply to work for the Emperor. Not only the palace is a cool place to hang out, you can get into politics and attend conferences with the ministers. Promotions prospects is plentiful, just save the Emperor from the assassins a few times and you can go from Assistant Personal Guard to Chief of Army in a very short time.

But the main reason why I would consider being a Chinese swordsman is that special coveted award from the Emperor ... the "No Need To Die" gold medal. If you have this medal with you, you are excused from dying for any wrong doings. Got caught for sleeping with the Emperor's concubines and sentenced to death? No problem .... even if the Queen Mother tries to overrule, just flash the medal and you walk away a free man.