The Kid's Talk

It's really fun talking to kids sometimes. 'Sometimes' ....

And yesterday was a good day at the centre for those hilarious moments.

Scene 1

I am about 1.84m tall. This Pri 3 kid walks up to me, he barely reach my waist level, looked up at me with those tiny little beady eyes and said:

" Mr Ong, why you always look down on me??? "

" ......... "

Scene 2

Jerron (Pri 4) spilled Coke on the carpet along the corridor. Elaine made him clean up with a rag and rinsed it. When he was back from the washroom, Elaine made him dry up the carpet with the same rag. Jerron then said :

" I only spilled once, why you make me clean TWICE !!??? "

Elaine : " .......... "

The Concert

The Bee Gees ( Maurice Gibb, Robin Gibb and Barry Gibb)

Went to a concert yesterday at the Indoor Stadium. One of the Bee Gees, Robin Gibb was performing. The BeeGees was an all brothers band and was immensely popular in the 70s and 80s. With their hairy chests and super accurate harmonising falsetto, they made Saturday Night Fever and finger pointing the culture of the late 70s. I think I was twelve years old when I first heard about them. So going to this concert was more of a nostalgia rather than hear him sing .... it is difficult for a grown up man to hear another man sing.

But Robin was not the main singer of the band. So frankly, his solo concert here is not too exciting and his voice is not very appealing. Although all three wrote all their songs together, his elder brother Barry was the lead and together with his twin brother Maurice, they both harmonise for most of the songs. They are already in the fifties and Maurice died suddenly in 2003. So another reason why I went was in case this one dies also, then I will have missed one of the legends of pop history! I paid $260 for two tickets for wiffie and myself, side view seating and not front row ok ...

Most of the audience are people in the late forties and above. You can tell the difference between a teeny bopper concert and an accomplished singer's concert by the type of cars the people drive there. There will be mostly big continental cars in the car park if the artistes is in his or her fifties. But if the artistes is young and depend heavily on marketing type, then half the car park is empty or filled with Suzukies. I actually saw some with walking sticks and most of the male audience are bald. They also don't dance a lot throughout the whole show, even for a fast number like " Staying Alive" or " You should be Dancing" , either they are too old to dance or they are afraid of injuring their hips.

My whole concert was ruined by this guy sitting next to me. For the entire show, this bozo was singing out loud along every song! I can understand him being a big fan, but this is a concert, not a mass karoke session. I didn't pay $130 to hear the audience sing or I might as well bring my own CD! And he was not only singing out loud, he was singing off key and clapping off beat. How torturing can that be? I wanted to strangle him but I thought it will be breaking concert etiquette rules ... so I restrained myself. It was already straining on the neck to see the concert from the side, this clown made it worst. And for the first time in my concert going life, I was so glad that the show lasted only one and half hours.

The Traffic Police

The most feared men on the road are not the road bullies, it's the men with the dark glasses, high leather boots, a tiny notebook with a pen and permanent PMS ... The Traffic Police. To be a good traffic policeman (TP), you have to be obsessed with chasing and enjoy hearing people plead from you. And these group of people probably enjoyed the ''police and thief'' game as kids and they forgot to get out of the game when they were growing up.

I think the ability not to smile is their biggest paper qualification. They look so serious all the time and that's all they do besides chasing people down the road. I have never seen a traffic police smile, except the ones on the advertisement posters, but then those are usually professional models. It's hard to find a grinning traffic policeman ... and it wouldn't look right anyway. It's a little frightening to see them smile and issue a summon at the same time ... he will look more like a psycho serial killer instead. The only time you are going to see a traffic policeman smiling is when you hire a striptease showing up in a police uniform. That would be the closest, and that may be the only time you can shove a ten dollar note into a policeman's underwear!

I call the traffic police the Principal of the road. In many ways they are quite similar to those in schools. You cannot speed in front of them, you cannot talk on your mobile or SMS when you see them. You can SMS in your pocket, but don't let their eagle eyes catch you or they will issue you a ticket. Like a magician, they have this unique talent of appearing out of nowhere, and every part of your vision is a blindspot for them. You are driving happily and suddenly they appear beside your side mirror and give you that look. At this point you either turn green or swallow the lump in your throat.

Actually the traffic police are as good as signboards that say Slow Down NOW!, except that in this case, its a 'live' signboard. In a way, they are a piece of safety device for the roads. 'Cos it seems to me that everytime we see the TP on the expressway, we would instantaneously and diligently step on the brakes and slow down. He doesn't even have to do anything, just park his motorbike on the road shoulder and stare blankly at the cars passing by him. And with his super dark sunglasses, nobody knows if he is actually taking a nap or watching the traffic. I am so conditioned by this slowing down when you see the TP thing that every now and then when I jog passed the police station, I too would slow down and walk instead of run. See how the TP changed the movements of our lives?

I was caught twice for speeding by the TP in my entire driving life. Of course on both occasions I was innocent, the car was the one at fault. When he signalled me to stop, I could feel the trembling of my legs and jaws. The first thing that comes to your head is, what am I going to say to him to get him to let me off? Should I greet him first or should I volunteer my driver's licence without question? Maybe if I look pathetic and like a loser, he will let me off because I hear that these people hate arrogance. But I must be polite, thats what the internet says ...

" Good morning Sir! how are you? Wa, today's uniform very shining ah, very smart hor? ... "

" driver's licence please. "

" Sir, pang chant leh .... "

" You were speeding at 120km/h, I have to give you the ticket. "

" But Sir, stomach ache la, then urgent I boh pian right? "

" It's dangerous to speed. "

" But Sir, I have to find the toilet la, I promise next time I don't speed la sir, please la sir ..... "

He doesn't say a word, takes out the book and jots down your particulars. You know you don't have a fighting chance and so you look at him with that moody eyes. Thats when you really look pathetic and all you could think of is all the vulgarities and evil in the world that you can rain on that guy! But he has the gun with him, so there's not much you can do. You unwillingly accept the loss and you mutter to yourself " I hope your wife gives birth to a three legged son and without an ass! "

The Maths Problem

Being a kid here is not easy. Sometimes when I look at the brain cracking exam questions the students have to solve these days, it makes me want to thank my lucky stars for arriving on planet Earth so much earlier. If I have to sit through PSLE again, I would probably be on a artificial breathing machine by now. Take this Primary One Maths question for example, " Ali has $3 less than $67 and Tommy has $67 more than $3. How much do they have to give away each to have $38 left altogether? " The first thing that came to my mind was, what the hell are they testing, the ability of a 7 year old to solve the question or the child's ability to stay awake and sane after reading the question??! It's tough, man! In class of 40 students, with all the concentrated energy on this problem sum, it will be like a nuclear bomb about to explode. You will want to dig out your own eyeballs trying to solve a question like that in 3 minutes. That's why most classes these days have inhalers in their first aid box, and it's not for asthma attacks.

I can understand the logic behind such questions, but can a 7 year old understand the relevance? I am sure he is already frustrated at not having enough fingers and toes to solve that question, let alone see the applications of this skill. And who goes around asking questions in this format? You don't walk into a provision shop and ask " eskew me, can I have 3 Cokes more than 5? " The owner will probably look at you " eh harlo, le kong simi? "

They say our children are getting smarter these days, so all the questions have to be a tad difficult. Better looking spectacles and more pocket money maybe, but smarter? We didn't evolve that much for the last one hundred years you know. It's still the same number of brain hemispheres! Actually I got a feeling that all these nail biting and hair pulling examinations questions are all part of a conspiracy. Yes, I think the people at the Ministry of Education are the same people who make those Super Excellent High IQ Brain Booster milk powder! And they are testing their product through a 16 year cycle right from birth to see if their powder really enhanced the thinking skills of those infants consuming it. I cannot find any other reasonable explaination better than this.

I often hear students complaining the examinations questions don't really apply to real life. It's true, in real life you use a calculator to multiply and divide, but in not so real school life, you use tonnes of paper and brain cells to solve the same problem. The students cannot relate to the questions asked. Take this question for example,

" At the beginning of a mountain climbing expedition, the number of male climbers was five times the number of female climbers. After 81 male climbers left the expedition, the number of female climbers was twice the number of male climbers. What was the total number of climbers at first?"

Now how many students here can relate to mountain climbing? Not many. But if the question is phrased such that the student may have some experience relating to it or at least heard of it, I think they may just enjoy solving them more and won't be pulling their hair or digging their eyeballs so often. For example,

" At the beginnning of a clubbing session at Club Momo, the number of desperate males was five times the number of chio boos. After 81 desperate males got drunk and were puking by the roadside, the number of chio boos was twice the number of desperate males . What was the total number of clubbers at first? "

Technically the two questions are the same. But which one is more fun to solve? I think to help our students better in this stressful environment, all examination questions should be set this way.

Cool right?

The New School in the East

There is a new Secondary school in the East side of Singapore and I heard they specialise in Biology. Above is part of the application form for tuition from one of the students. (I have blocked out certain 'vital' information)