The Guard Of Honour

Seriously, what's the point? It's just men lining up for another group of men to walk past them, right? This is done all over the world everytime someone important drops by for a visit. And these display of men don't last very long. The President usually takes a stroll with another guy, checks out a few pairs of shining boots and hats, then goes back to his hotel for dinner. Looks more like window shopping to me ...

These poor soldiers probably spent a few months training, cursing and sweltering under the hot sun in those thick canvas tent material uniforms, just to practise standing in a straight line .. To me, thats cruelty. If you want to demonstrate your country's prowess, bring out your missiles, tanks and rockets, and keep those hunks for the army magazines instead. And that special one soldier who accompanies the President, he suffers the most ... he has to sneak behind him all the time and march in slow motion, like a remote control toy soldier. The President stops he stops and when he moves, he moves ... in slow motion again.

I think for a male President, they should be have the Miss Whatever Country contestants, both semi and finalists up for the parade instead of the male soldiers. That way, you will see the President taking a leisurely stroll, signing autographs and taking pictures with them instead of the express 2 minutes quick walk. If the President enjoys it, then it is worth everybody's time and effort. He will also have more questions to ask along the way. For the male guard of honour, the President usually have no questions for them, 'cos he has nothing in common and he won't have an interest in them anyway. And everyone can't wait for the parade to be over.

But what are these Presidents thinking anyway when they walk past those guards?

















" oh man ... you people have interesting ways for using the fan! "


















"Told you people I wanted to inspect the beauty pageant, not MEN !!!"
















" Are you sure you are not my long lost son? "

The Singapore Signboard

We were driving along Changi Road when my 8 year old nephew sitting at the back of the car started giggling ..

Nephew : " Uncle, do people eat houses? "

Me : " No, of course not, why do you ask? "

Nephew : " I just saw a shop that says someone eating a house there! "

Me : " Are you trying to be funny again? "

Nephew : " .......... "

The next day, out of curiosity I decided to drive down the same road to try and figure out what my banana milk boy was talking about.

And I think this was what he saw.

The Toilet Reader

Yesterday after chatting with Porky, I realised I have a significant number of friends who enjoy browsing, reading, studying in the most sacred place of your home .... the toilet.

For your info, I don't do it, neither have I tried. My sitting room, study room, kitchen, walkway, storeroom and balcony are usually not fully booked, so I have plenty of seats available for reading without a stench lingering around me. For those who have done it, you must know what the experience is like and it's not something easily understood by the commoners. What is usually a 5 minutes business in the loo can end up as long as a full tutorial hour for the avid ones. And you should know the pleasures of reading in the toilet, or else you won't be indulging in this extraordinary habit. For me, I would need a oxygen mask and burn up a few bottles of Chanel No 1 to 10 to stay beyond what's necessary in there.

I guess there must be a certain sensation which the toilet reader achieves when he is half naked (or full), sitting on a toilet bowl (or squatting) and reading at the same time. Somehow this odd combination produces a joyful effect not easily accomplished when reading normally elsewhere. Or could it be the foul smelling crap that enhances the reading pleasure? If that is true, we should all keep the toilet doors open in the library instead of Starbucks.

I have over the years developed that special skill of identifying reading materials that have been expended by the toilet readers. Newspapers are the easiest because the print has a chemical reaction in the loo, then comes out different in texture and feel than when it is freshly delivered in the morning. I usually avoid any contact with these materials and would freak out if any one of them comes physically close to me. I am not afraid of germs but I am sure most of you would feel the same with those toilet reading materials. And it is hard to share these things after they have been through the toilet with the reader, I would imagine a special bonding would have developed after going through thick and thin in there.

If being productive in the toilet is crucial, then one should consider installing a tv and video player in there. Then you can watch National Geographic and see how the villagers in Africa dig out their own private bathroom while you enjoy the coolness of the ceramic bowl that you are sitting on. But compare to books and magazines, the tv and video can be a little more tedious to operate in the toilet ... you know, with all rewinding, fast forwarding and changing of discs. So that's why most people still prefer reading, because you can fast forward from chapter to chapter in the book without touching any buttons on the remote control.

Actually I would like to open this discussion to those who read in the toilet. You try and convince me why I should even try and bring a book in. All amateurs and professional toilet readers are welcomed. Let us into your whole wet world of toilet reading.

p.s. Someone just mentioned she have seen bookshelves in a toilet before .... well I guess they have run out of walls in the house.

The Kids' Talk II

There are days when I feel dumb, especially when your brains got left behind at home and the kids are brought theirs to your office. Last Sunday, this 9 year old girl Amelia proved me wrong .... or right.

Amelia : " Mr Ong, what's the meaning of grating? "

M.O : " oh, grating is when you rub something against a rough surface to make thin slices or powder. Let me give you an example .... err ... err ... (this is where I got jammed in the head ...... then 15 seconds went by and I got nothing!!!) "

So Amelia just looked at me without blinking and I could see the words flashing " it's a simple question and you can't even answer it properly, what's the matter with you today? " across her head like the CNN scrolling newsbar.

Amelia : " I have seen my mother grating turnips to make spring rolls ."

M.O : " Yes! Yes! that's grating ... now what else can we grate ... err ... err .. "
(another 15 seconds went by)

Amelia : " I think I saw my mother grating cheese also. "

M.O : " Yes! Yes! you can also grate cheese .... now what else ...err.. err ... (think brain, think!!!)

Amelia : " Wasabe "

M.O. " wasabe??? "

Amelia : " you know, the thingy Japanese eat with Sushi "

M.O. " I know what wasabe is ok ... "

Amelia : " I think I better go home and ask my mother instead "

M.O. " ............... "