The Middle Finger

I was on the road the day before (along Eunos Ave) when I witness the most spectacular moments in the history of Singapore driving. This lorry had accidentally cut into a motorcyclist way and almost causing the poor chap to lose his balance. He wobbled and twisted his bike's handle a few times before regaining composure. I think he was not only shocked, but the lorry had jolted his adrenalin to the max. This biker then sped to the lorry's side, turned and stared at the driver, and mind you, all this happening while on the move! He was not looking at the front and I was worried for the traffic light post right ahead.

So fortunately, the traffic light turn red and everyone came to a halt. But the staring continued and I was trying to see with my lip reading skills what they were swearing at each other. Nothing much except the usual mother father you die go to hell genitals stuff. Traffic lights turn green and this motorcyclist then went ahead and tries to block the lorry's way. He then slow down to a mere 30km/h and held everyone up in the middle lane. Not only that, cars on the first and third lane also slowed down to the same pace to watch the two stunt drivers outdo each other!

Then suddenly, with one hand on the bike, the motorcyclist gathered all his might in the other and thrust into the air with the most powerful probe of the human body..... the middle finger! Like a bullet fired your way, the first immediate reaction is to shield it. The lorry driver instinctively neutralised the middle finger by turning his windscreen wipers on. The score is now 1-1. Now everyone waits for the motorcyclist's next move. Motorcyclist checks for support from the right wing, there's none. He will have to do this by himself. Will the lorry tackle him from behind, he's not sure. There's nail biting tension in the air. And I am in my car munching my pop corn anxiously. But I could sense the motorcyclist’s thirst for revenge. Then I see his fingers moving again. And with all the strength and force he mustered, gave another absolutely all-power pack jab into the air with his middle finger again! Goal !!! This time the lorry driver couldn't save it in time. Then he declared himself the winner and sped off on a high note.

That’s how idiotic Singapore drivers and motorcyclists can get. Cheap thrill? Yes. That’s why there's no law in the world like the one we have that sentences you to jail for road bullying. Accidents do happen because of negligence. I am sure the lorry driver was not aware of the motorcyclist in the blind spot. But to take on someone 10 times your size is not very wise, especially when his tiny bike looks like a twisted piece of scrap. It’s like a monkey trying to tickle an elephant’s toe, the elephant lies down and you will get instant monkey patty. The lorry driver just need to step on his accelerator and you will have another piece of mangled metal on the road.

I was also a little worried for the motorcyclist repeating his almighty middle finger. He not only resembles John Travolta and the Saturday Night Fever pose, but he is also a lightning conductor on the road with that pointed finger. A few more jabs in the air and he can be roasted with a zap from the sky. And what does the motorcyclist hope to accomplish by shoving his middle finger in the air? To scare off the driver, agitate him or to make him feel guilty for cutting his lane? Would the motorcyclist be thinking: “well, guess I made my point, the rest is up to him!!??” And I am sure the lorry driver would come down and apologise : “You know, I am glad you showed me the middle finger, otherwise I have no idea how you felt!”

The Hello

The Hello is suppose to be a greeting right? Wrong. Yesterday at the hawker centre, there was this guy whose way was blocked by a lady, and he gave a low "harlo .....”. Very interesting way of shooing your way through a crowd. Surprisingly the lady actually understood and gave way. I didn't think the guy was rude, after all this is Singapore. I was wondering what happened to the traditional “skew me??” (Short form for excuse me) .... I love the ''skew me". "Skew me, you have barbeque chicken wings today or not?" Some are even too lazy to skew me, it's just skew, which is also effective for clearing people off your way.

There are many ways of saying hello. Some people pronounce it as harlow!, some haloo, some hell-low, and some just low? But we all know we don't care. The hello on the phone is just a form of silent breaker. You pick up the phone and you automatically say hello, it’s like giving the other caller permission to talk. It''s like the traffic light turning green on the phone, and then you say whatever you have to say. So actually you can use "Go" instead of the hello. But imagine the awkwardness if someone answers your call and not give you the hello. For that split second, I bet you would feel like you either called the wrong person or there's another pervert on the other line. Want to scare somebody you hate? Just answer the call, don't give him the hello, and then breathe heavily. Ten out of ten times, the other person will hang up. Its fun, try it! Then after this experiment, you will not take the hello for granted.

Or you try the hello mirror effect. You say hello, the other caller says hello, and then like a mirror facing each other, you keep reflecting the hello back and forth. This is really useful when your boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife tries to call you, and you are doing something illegal. You just keep mirroring like you cannot hear them. You want to stall them and make time! Then while helloing, you walk to somewhere safe and away from the scene of crime and then say you can hear them better now.

The hello is said in almost 800 ways around the world. In Russia hello is Zdravstvuite, in Austria it's Hoi , in Korea it's Annyong and in Panama its Na. But my personal favourate is the Vietnamese's. They call it Chào. And they have different hellos for different sexes. To a man, you greet with Chao Ong. To a woman you say Chao Ba. To a young woman you say Chao Co. To a man you know, you say Chao Anh, and to a lady you know, you say Chao Chi. So if I am in Vietnam, they have greet me with Chao Ong Ong ('cos Ong is my surname). But that will mean every Vietnamese is cursing me all the time when I pick up the phone. Chao is a swear word here you see.... And if you are a lady and your surname is Bai, you better not go there. It's going to be CCB to you all the time.

The Pirated CD

I don't know whether anyone noticed this. You buy a pirated software CD, they give it to you in a black plastic bag. It appears to me these people have franchises all over the island and Johore Bahru because every pirated cd shop seem to be using the same no company name no brand plastic bags, and they just prefer to use the black ones. And it's the same size, big enough for that CD only. Are they afraid of people seeing what's inside? Or is it industry practice to sell them in those black plastic bags? This is not drugs you know. The shop is big enough for the police to see whatever product line you are carrying. I think they need to exercise the utmost discretion here.

I would actually like to suggest to the boss (some customer feedback to the pirates) to use any other color besides black. It should be the same cost anyway; you still need to dye the plastic right? Maybe red or blue or white but not black. Cos when you are carrying the little black plastic bags, people know what’s inside. It's embarrassing! Nobody would think its grocery inside because it’s too small. I have to squeeze that 5 inch CDs into my tight jeans pocket each time I buy them and its get a little uncomfortable when I sit down. Make those plastic bags a little more colorful and cuter! Or better still, give it a name! Like maybe Armani or Rolex. After all the pirates are already selling fake stuff, what is another fake plastic bag right? Make the customer happy; make them feel good about their purchase. Change that bag!

Actually, on a serious note, I do appreciate what these pirates are doing. If not for their ingenuity, enterprising and risk taking attitude, I would not have accomplished so much, especially in the world of typing and digital photography. If you look at the original software, they really cost a bomb! And how many can actually afford them? Those software billionaires refuse to lower the prices for the benefit of the average citizen. So we need these Robin Hoods to help us make our computer ends meet. To me, the pirated softwares are like trial versions of the original. I test them completely, and then when I am satisfied I buy the original. Fair right? Because what happens when you forked out a few hundreds and realise that's not what you wanted? Or maybe that software didn't live up to your expectations? Or you like to try out the different softwares of the same category? With a $10 copy, you can just throw it in the basket if you are not happy with it. Clever right?

The other day I was at the shop and this guy asked the shop assistant if he knows how to install the plug-ins for the Photoshop CS. The Malay shop assistant, with tattoos all over his arms and a Marlboro cigarette box squeezed up his t-shirt sleeves, gave him a far away look and said : "Friend, if you want to buy you buy. If you don't how to use, don't buy!" I tell you, the look on this specky guy's face tells me he almost shit in his pants. But I don't sympathise with him. I mean, you have to be reasonable; these shop assistants have to handle one thousand and one titles in the shop. And between the three guys in the shop, I think they would have less than three O-levels passes combined! Its good enough they don't tell you "If its there its there", let alone teach you how to install right? For $10 a copy, don't expect technical services or help desk of any kind.

You Stink Pretty

Yesterday in the midst of a jovial conversation, a friend jokingly referred me as 臭美. I know since birth my skin is as thick as the rhino, but this new Chinese phrase seem rather interesting to me. 'Cos my standard of Chinese vocabulary is at level zero, and I would actually see those two words as really just two different words put together. When I looked up the Chinese dictionary, I have to find meanings to the other words describing these two words! But very vaguely, I think it means you stink pretty.

Now how does one stink pretty? Its like having two similar poles of a magnet put together, they just won't gel. If you stink, you stink! You cannot be pretty and stink, can you? Scientifically, its almost impossible. I never heard of Julia Roberts having bad body odour.The only humanly possible scenario where you can stink and still be pretty is in Bollywood, India. If one of those gorgeous voluptuous Indian actress gets on a crowded non-airconditioned bus and she has that coconut oil as hair mousse, that I can assure, you will fully appreciate the meaning of 臭美!

So I was browsing the dictionary and then I chanced upon another phrase ..... 坏死. You are bad and you are dead! And you always hear this when a girl says it playfully to a guy. But to me that's a curse. You are bad, and you might as well be dead! Or better still, you are bad and you better reincarnate as an egg after you are dead. So they invented this phrase 坏蛋. Its hard to imagine why we want them to return as an egg.

But the egg is also used in other curses. Like 臭鸡蛋. You stinking chicken egg! I have no idea why the chicken is being used here and not other animals in the farm. In these times of extreme shortage and skyrocketing egg prices, I think its better we show some respect to the poultry industry. But if you can't be bothered and you want to add more power to this curse, you can bring in his mother, and thus the phrase 他妈的臭鸡蛋!

The Silent Talker

As long as we are on the subject of talking, I might as well continue with this new phenomenon that I recently discover in the centre.

We are all quite familiar with our legendary fast talker, yes the one with four Pentiums in the head ..... or is it three? Anyway, I recently found one parent who is quite the opposite. This one is not just slow, he is low. Slow and low, how torturing can that be? I can assure you if you listen to this man talk, you can either fall asleep standing or your eardrums will suffer from bloodclots. You have to strain yourself so hard you can almost pee in your pants! I can hardly hear a word he says and he just sitting 2 metres away from me. Its a good thing my primary school extra- curriculum activity was lip reading, otherwise half the time you only see his mouth moving without anything audible.

I have been wondering why some people talk fast and some talk slow. Why some are loud and some are soft? Is one better than the other? Does the fast talker think faster and thats why talk fast? Technically speaking, yes. In order to talk fast, you have to think fast. But it can also mean you talk without thinking and everything comes out without filtering. So when you talk fast without thinking, you can double up faster in your speech because you skip one process in the brain, and so the brain can have more power in the speech department. Its like diarrhea, you don't have time to think, everything comes out all at once without filtering. And by the time you react, its all over the seat cover.

But you will never want to get into an argument with the fast talker, and even if you have to, bring a tape recorder to tape, rewind and replay. Cos the fast talker will talk so fast that you won't know what hit you! Its like having a zip file sent to you all the time. Every sentence feels like mulitple words stacked on top of one another, so compressed and so fast. And before you know it, she can scold your mother, father, cousins, 3rd uncle, 5th aunty and grandmother's neighbour in one sentence!

With the slow talker, he is taking his time to think before he gets ready to open his mouth. But it can also mean he is at Pentium Minus One, the speed at which he processes his speech is not as fast. For these group of people, they only suffer when they have to argue or work as a telephone operator. But on the other hand they would thrive as a hynotist. And they suppose to make more sense 'cos they take their time to process and execute their perfect sentence. The low talker on the other hand has a major problem, I think. People who talk soft and low are generally lacking in confidence. They can only have one audience, which is themselves.

This particular low talking parent is a really nice dude. He would sit for hours just to wait for his daughter finish her classes. And he has this little curvy moustache which camouflages his mouth. But I cannot stand it when he tries to strike up a conversation. Its really a pain in the *@# to try and catch every word he says, because as soon as the sentence leaves his mouth, they get sucked back in. It's like having a Blackhole at the back of his throat. Most of time I get entertained by his dancing moustache instead.

There's another category of talkers which I think most are familiar with, and we are so used to them here that we forget such people actually sound funny elsewhere in the world. I call them the Echo Talker. I can almost guarantee that if you think hard, at least one of your friends, relatives or colleagues talks this way. This is how they sound :

" Can you hand this book to my son? "

" Ya sure."

" ok thankyou, thankyou, thankyou " (usually spoken at triple fast mode)

OR

" Are you sure you did this? "

" Yes, really really really" (also spoken at triple fast mode)

Can you imagine a Chinese businessman shaking his customer's hands and really thanking him profusely? Got it? This is echo effect. And three thankyou(s) is better than one. Three Really(s) are more convincing than one. The above phenomenon is the result of people trying to think and translate in both Chinese and English. Till this day I am still trying to find an American giving me the echo effect. Of course you won't find any.

Don't Talk Cork

People who like to hang around my office would probably realise my pc has this screensaver that says Don't Talk Cork. Yes, many people have tried to tell me that I have spelt it wrongly. But I am trying to make it easier for the younger ones to read, especially the Primary Ones. But then again, there are parents who say I teach the kids the wrong thing .... especially spelling!!? Actually till now I still cannot understand what talking cock means.

The cock as we all know has two meanings, one refers to the male hen, and the other refers to ............... a leader. And why cock? Why not talk hen or talk chick? Is the 'cock' all so much more supreme than the other animals? If you compare the tiger and the cock, there's no way the cocks would rule the animal kingdom. Of course there's the fighting cocks in Thailands, which you may describe as awesome warriors. But other than that, they can be just as fried as any other KFC chicken on the dinner table. They cannot run straight, they cannot swim either, and they always look crossed eyed (which is probably why they cannot run straight).

In our truly unique structure of Singlish, the phrase 'talking cock' means talking nonsense or perhaps uttering rubbish, which is what I am doing now. And you have to be careful not to use this phrase in a foreign land, especially the USA. If you are a male and you say 'talking cock' there, the ang mos would want you to strip and show them your mysterious gift between the groins. 'Cos in the US, anything that's able to talk interest them. And if you say it in Thailand, they would want the talking cock to be the judge in the deadly ring of cock fighters, you know, in case the fighters need mediation and a out of court settlement.

But I think in some ways or other, we all have to learn to talk cock a little. Talk a little cock, plus a little exaggeration here and there, peppered with a little bullshit makes one's conversation interesting. My ang mo friends would never suffer from conversation constipation, 'cos they can talk nonstop about anything under the sun, from as trivial as colour pencils to even more trivial issues like colour pencil sharperners! There will be no awkward pauses and the conversation would go on effortlessly, or maybe just pause for a toilet break. But it can be tiring. All listen and no talk gets me hypnotised.

Like any other languages, its not what you say, its how you say it. If you say 'DONT TALK COCK LA!!!' , most would know you are irritated. Or if you say 'just talking cock la ... : ) ' , then there's a certain playful intonation to it and we know you are cool. To me, the facination and artistry of Singlish is such that you can combine words that only we, the little Red dottees of Singapore can understand. My personal favourates are 'Anyhow Talk Cock' and 'Alsocan Talk Cock'.

So how? I keep talking cock non-stop .... better stop now.