The Shower

Is your daily shower routine getting too boring for you? Or you have not showered for a month and still cannot push yourself to do it?

Try this new incantation by Alex To 杜德伟!

Its shower time baby ....

er one, two, one two three ARR!!!

外套脱掉脱掉外套脱掉

上衣脱掉脱掉上衣脱掉

下衣脱掉脱掉全部脱掉脱掉

通通脱掉脱掉脱!脱!脱!脱!

(Then just turn on the shower head full blast!!!)

The Blind Date

The other day a student asked me the meaning of a blind date. I told him it's when the person you have dated shows up with a white walking stick.

Blind date? Is there a reason why we have to insult the visually handicapped when two unknown persons are trying to have a good time? Why not call it Deaf date or a Lame date? And what if two blind personnel are really trying to set up a romantic meeting with each other? What should we call it, a Total Darkness Date? Then when the two blind persons finally meet for the first time ... " You know, everybody is looking at us, calling us names and making fun of our handicap. I cannot stand it anymore, I need professional counselling and a listening ear. "

Blind dates are interesting, although I never had one. Most of the time the people dating tend to over prepare themselves. Either they sprayed the entire bottle of perfume or they gel up the hair so much you need liquid nitrogen to wash it off. And I think while waiting for the other party to show up, either one has to be praying really hard.

There's probably more than 10 kinds of emotions going through in that moment for the participants. Anxiety, excitement, ecstasy, fear, disappointment, stupidity, insanity, hallucination, illusion and paralysis. So it is a good idea to have a paramedic on standby in case one of them goes into a shock. If he turns out according to your expectations, then you'll have a great time. If he shows up looking like a pig .... then you just graciously turn off your mobile phone and pretend you are the contractor examining the ceiling and slowly make the exit. But if she shows up really a stunner, then you better wipe off your drool before waving at her.

Actually I think it will really be fun just to stand around and see how people try to identify one another. You think she is the one, but she is not looking at your direction. You could be smiling like an idiot to strangers whom you think could be the one. Then you realise you are talking to yourself in the head and at the same time trying to act cool. Is she the one? She cannot be that fat right, cos her voice sounded quite slim. Is that pimple face guy the one, OMG, it can't be, he said he looked like Brat Pitt with a six pack!!! Maybe he said he looked like Brat Pitt from the back and he carries a six pack Heineken around ..

It is difficult to describe yourself accurately when it comes to blind dating. Not that you want to be dishonest, but you don't really want to frighten the other person off before even meeting up. So you use words that are quite ambiguous .... "I am kind of studious looking", then the guy shows up like a nerd. "I am actually very plain looking and not very tall", then she shows up like one of the dwarfs and looks like the Prime Minister's wife ...

(I didn't say which Prime Minister arh .... )

The Public Toilet

I think using the public toilet is like picking up a 5 cents coin on the road, you dont really want to do it, unless you absolutely need to. Actually I had an uncle whose death was kindda related to the public toilet. He had picked up smoking because of the toilet, cos he claimed public toilets stink so bad that he has to smoke to neutralise the stench. But he had to quit smoking because the governement has banned smoking in the loo. Then he started using the Axe brand medicated oil on his nose instead, for the same aroma therapy effect. One day he had forgotten his Axe oil and so he used one hand to pinch his nose tight and the other hand for support on the wall in the cubicle. But he later lost his balance while standing up and knocked himself on the wall. He later died of head injuries. Thats how the public toilet caused the death of my uncle.

I was using one this morning when I realised how high tech our public toilets have become. They are all fitted with sensors, no more arm bending lever for flushing. Even the lights on the ceiling are motion detectors. If there is no one using the toilet, the lights switched off automatically. See how smart they have become? I heard scientists are developing cisterns which are able to flush according to the weight of your output ... so if you really want to waste water, just drop a brick into the bowl and it will flush forever.

But sometimes these sensors don't work very well, especially at night and in the dark corner of the shopping centre. Ever step into one where all the cubicles are vacant, nobody is around except you, you are washing your hands and looking at the mirror when sudddenly the cistern just flushed by ityself! Scares the shit out of you man! And its not even near the Seventh Month Ghost Fest. You will feel the sudden gush of wind fly by you and makes you want to pee again.

I cannot stand it when you are in the cubicle, happily but quietly doing your business, when the malfunctioned sensor just triggers off and flushes .... Hello??!! Can't you see I am still here, I am not done yet you know ... Then you see the sensor flashing again as though he is blushing. And when you are done, the sensor fell asleep!!! Excuse me, I am done, can you just flush??!! No response. You wave your hands in front of him and beg him to flush, but he won't. Now you are thinking, someone's standing outside there waiting to use the toilet, if you don't get rid of that mess, there's no way you going to carry on with your life. So you try to trick the sensor. You shift to one side of the cubicle and pretend that you left and then return to the seat. This way the sensor would assume a new customer has arrived and start doing his work again.

But despite the high tech in the cubicle, there are some cavemen who still quite not know how to use the toilet seat. You walked into the public toilet, put down the toilet seat and then you realised there are two giant footprints on the seat cover! To me, thats better than a circus act. If you are able to balance on the rim of the toilet bowl, read the papers, and still aim properly at the small pool of water below, then you are better than the tight rope walkers. There is no reason why you should not sell tickets for your act.

The Birthday

Happy Birthday Vanessa!

I cannot quite remember who invented birthdays and why we celebrate them .. but my guess it's around the time when calendars were first printed and there weren't so many public holidays then .. and we needed a reason for an extra day or two to slack ..

I think if we really want to celebrate, we should also include the day when we were conceived, you know, the day of the union of the sperm and the egg. That is D day when you actually came into existence, right? But it's hard to tell the exact day though, and in some cases, you may not even know who did it ... especially when alcohol was involved.

And what if you were born in the forest of some tribal family, where nobody actually ever heard of a calendar? So the only way of remembering your date of birth is by the shape of the moon and stars, and maybe some unique experience happening on that day ....... " Son, when you were born, the moon was half covered by the sun's shadow, the stars were aligned like a shape of a crab, your mother was screaming away and there were a few gorillas standing by the side watching." And that would be the poor chap's birthday ...

Buying gifts for someone's birthday is not easy. You are not sure what the person really like, the colour, the size, the style etc. Buying yourself a gift at any one time is so much easier, you will never run out of ideas what to buy for yourself. But buying for others is tough. That's why people resort to buying photo frames as presents to relief their agony. That's when you know the giver did not make any effort in buying the present and they cannot be bothered by your reaction. They think you are living with 50 other family members and you need that many photo frames to get by. And so the recycling of gifts starts, you are tired of getting the photo frames every year, then you start to give them away on other people's birthday! Then the gift becomes a re-present. Ever receive any one of these? You can tell its a recycled gift when the wrapping feels a bit old and the gifter says she has been planning what to buy for you a few months before .. "Its the thought that counts. " " ya right, go to hell, I am giving you a potato slicer next year for your birthday ... plus a photo frame. "

Nowadays people celebrate children's birthday as early as one or two year's old. I cannot quite remember those moments when I was one and I am sure most people don't. And when you reach 120 years old, your birthday would be quite the same as the first few years. You don't have the teeth to eat your cake, you need people to wipe the cream off your face, you cannot walk properly, you are wearing diapers and you cannot recognise the people taking pictures with you.

Thats when you know you have come full circle.